There’s an excellent sketch show on CBBC called Stupid. One of the recurring characters is the “Want it? Can’t have it!” girl. Her gimmick is offering something that someone really wants then, at the last moment, pulling it back.

I don’t know about you but sometimes I feel the universe is like that: it holds out the promise of something you really want, let’s you get so close and then, at the last moment, snatches it away.

Obviously that’s an unhelpfully negative viewpoint. How can we reframe it into a positive?

Some of the Eastern religions and philosophies teach a system of “letting go”, where we free ourselves from concern about outcome. That’s never worked for me, it doesn’t fit with my personality. “Aceptance” of the universe as it is has never been a big part of my make-up!

I’ve found that for me the precise opposite of the Eastern approach is effective: instead of letting go of the desire, I increase it and turn it into a need.

Think for a second about the word “want”. The original use of the word had the meaning “lack” or “shortage”. A “want” is by definition something we don’t have. By thinking of things as “wants” we’re conditioning ourselves to not having them.

So I try hard not to have “wants”. If I’m being frustrated in a goal I take a step back and try to decide whether or not to keep or discard that goal. If I keep it then I mentally upgrade it from a “want” to a “need”.

Needs are much stronger than wants. There’s a bit of an NLP thing going on here: “needs” are something we must get, not just things we desire. Thus I find that I subconsciously work harder and are more motivated to achieve a goal if I’ve mentally reframed it as a “need”. Frustration can demotivate me from going after a “want”, but it simply can’t be allowed to get in the way of achieving a “need”. (It should go without saying that sticking to my moral and ethical princples is an even more powerful need - this freframing is does not justify breaching my basic values and principles.)

Of course this sort of reframing doesn’t give me extra powers or abilities, it doesn’t guarantee success. Sometimes I still fail to achieve the goal. However - used sparingly - I find this an excellent way of getting through the short-term slump of negativity caused when the universe snatches something away from me at the last second.

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